Living in Hawaii has so many advantages. But since we are such a remote island that we have to get our gas shipped here, which raises the prices of our gas. That is just not right! Hawaii is a paradise but with the high prices of the gas, it isn't paradise. People are paying too much for gas. Our gas prices are the highest in the nation. Our island would be perfect if it weren't for the gas prices.
Did you know that the prices of gas all over the nation are dropping besides the gas prices in Hawaii. But sadly, our gas prices are still rising. That’s not right, I believe that since the prices of gas in the mainland are dropping. Just because the gas has to get shipped here doesn't mean that they should rise the prices. Hawaii is paying 75 cents more then the national average. We were also the first people to reach the four-dollar mark. I know it may seem like a little bit of money. But paying four dollars constantly will cost a lot in the long run. Especially for my family, we buy gas so much because my parents have to drive my brother and I to our games and practices.
Secondly, the reason for our high gas prices is because we have high taxes and also because our gas gets shipped here. What I think of that is just because of the taxes, our gas prices shouldn’t be high because everyone has taxes. Hawaii has also become the first and only state that capped the cost of fuel to try and give the motorists some relief. Apparently it didn’t work because it didn’t bring any relief to Hawaii motorists.
Lastly, the gas prices for Hawaii are the highest priced nationally! Like I said before we were the first one to reach the four-dollar mark. I also said before that it cost a lot of money to live in a place like Hawaii. Did you know that on Oahu, we pay 4.40 for a gallon of gas? On Maui, they pay 4.89 for a gallon of gas. And in hila the gas prices are 4.51 per gallon. And as for Molokai on two of their gas stations there it cost about 5.16 per gallon. That it way too much to pay for gas. In the Las Vegas Nevada, the gas cost only 2,85 for a gallon. There is like a two-dollar price range. And in North Carolina the gas cost 3.40 for a gallon. Still that is a one-dollar price range.
In conclusion, I believe the people in Hawaii are getting cheated on their gas prices. As you can see we are paying way more for gas then the other people around the nation. Just because we get the gases shipped here doesn’t mean that they should charge us more for gas. Also people might not want to come here anymore because they have to pay for the gas. And when people come here they drive all over the islands to see the sights. And that will cause them to buy a lot of gas to go see everything. They should lower our gas prices because it is just ruining our paradise.
Dori,
ReplyDeleteSome things I like about your essay is that you give examples from your own life. This makes your essay more relatable and has the audience feeling closer and more involved into the story. Your essay is easy to read, and interesting which makes me want to read more, even though the topic is not one that you would normally want to read about.
Some things that I think you can improve on is using more facts, rather than opinions. For example, "Our island would be perfect if it weren't for the gas prices." Another thing you can improve on is repetition. You frequently repeat words or phrases immediately after you say them, but in a different way. Ex: "Did you know that the prices of gas all over the nation are dropping besides the gas prices in Hawaii. But sadly, our gas prices are still rising." For organization, I think you can organize it by reasons why, and maybe propose a solution to our rising gas prices.
All in all, I think you wrote your essay well, and you just need to re-read it to make perfections. You kept me involved, and I really enjoyed reading your essay(:
Hey Dior! Okay, well i understand that your main topic is about gas prices, but maybe to be more specific you should add into your introduction what your 3 body parts are mainly about, so that for me as an example of a reader would know what your essays about. Also, try to put in more specific details based on that main topic so that you can really support it. Since you need to spend a lot on gas, add in some ideas in what could be done in order for our gas prices to be like the other places and not be to expensive, because I agree like why does everything need to be shipped down to us and be more costly, but everyone has there own opinions and everything, so what would be yours? Lastly, I really like where your essay is getting, but you should re-read it and be really specific and make sure it makes sense and ties up all to one topic. Also, there were some spelling errors like in the 4th paragraph it says hila, I think you meant to put Hilo, and to sum it all up your essay is at a good start, so good luck and you'll get there. =)
ReplyDelete~Kaitlyn Dacoscos
Hi Dior,
ReplyDeleteGood specifics in your essay about the different gas prices in our state and on the mainland.
I think Joy made some excellent points about how to revise. Organization can be improved and both Joy and Kaitlyn give you suggestions about improving the focus of the essay. You either need to support the *why* (why are gas prices higher, with specific reasons and evidence) or *how* (how shall we solve the problem?)
mrs s