Monday, September 10, 2012

college essay rough draft


            In my life there are many things that interest me.  But the main thing that interest me is soccer.  I have been playing soccer since I was 7 years old.  Soccer had mad a huge impact on my life.  Soccer has been my favorite sport from the beginning.  The first time I played soccer, I played for AYSO it wasn’t really competitive, but at that age sports weren’t really competitive.  Then as the years went by and I got older is started playing for a club called Real.  But a little later they merged with a team called rush, which is the team I am currently playing for.  I am apart of the Hawaii Rush 98 girls nike team.  I have been with them for about four years now.  Playing with this team has impacted me and helped me to become a better person.  The first reason soccer has impacted my life is because since it is a team sport, you have to learn to work together and like each other no matter what.  In life you will have to know how to work as a team.  Another reason is because since I started playing soccer for a competitive team, you have to be able to manage your time very well.  Since you have practice a lot and games every weekend, you have to make sure that you do your homework whenever you have free time.  You will also need to sacrifice many things like hanging out with your friends on the weekends because you have to do homework or because you have an important game or tournament coming up.  Managing your time is just helping you to prepare you for high school and life in the future, because for high school when you play a sport you will have practice everyday of the week and sometimes on the weekends, and games almost every weekend. And if you don’t keep your grades up then you won’t be able to play.  I know these things because last year as a freshman I tried out for the high school soccer team.  I was one of the lucky ones to make the varsity team.  That had taught me that managing your time is important because if you want to play then you will have to maintain your grades.  Soccer has also helped me because playing for this competitive team has made me a better player mentally and physically.  Soccer has helped me to improve as a person because it has taught me that I am not the only person that matters to get through in life you have to work together to conquer the tough times.  It has also helped me mentally because in soccer when times get tough and you just feel like stopping and giving up, you just keep pushing through it and give 100% and leave it all out on the field even if you are tired.

3 comments:

  1. HI DIOR!
    ok, I liked reading how you've beome the person you are today because of soccer. But what would be more interesting is if you were to give specific moments that triggered your enthusiasm. It was also good that your explained that soccer involves all your effort and requires you to be a good teammate. Another suggestion I have is that for your intro, you include a hook, or something that would better catch the readers attention. Lastly, maybe it would be better if you didn't use easy/common transition words so that it brings out your voice more.
    Overall good job and keep working at it! :):):)

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  2. Hey Sis! Okay so i just wanted to say that I liked you're essay because you were very specific on how you playing soccer has put an impact on you. I understand and can put myself in you're shoes by just reading this. Also, the voice in this essay was really good. Although you did a well job in this essay you should give more details in what you're topic is and maybe set up this essay better, like have paragraphs so it shows how much impact soccer has on you're life. Also, in the beginning of you're essay you used a lot of the same words, so you should re-read your essay and it would be much better.! Anyways Good job in youre essay so far and I cant wait to see the final. Good luck and good job! (:

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  3. Why is your essay just one VERY BIG PARAGRAPH? you need to separate intro body and conclusion. also are you talking about playing for the hawaii rush team that has impacted you or soccer in general, because you mention that you played on the team for a long time and it has impacted you, then you state "the first reason soccer has impacted me." You also have a large amount of run-on sentences with no comma breaks or periods in-between. Please read over and clearly discuss each aspect of how soccer has changed you rather than all at once.

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